We got some planting done this past weekend and I started digging the grass out from around my raised beds to add the mulch. I am glad for the project and the long term benefit of not having to weed-eat in between the beds, but boy....my back is killing me!
I suppose I'm in a bit of a rut tonight and feeling like this single mama stuff is for the birds. I try hard to not complain because it never really makes me feel better, but the fact of the matter is going at this alone is plain exhausting! To clarify, I am the full custodial parent and do everything. Everything. Now, I have some amazing parents who live about 10 minutes away and who are a tremendous help. (I really could not do it without them.)
The day in and day out of living and breathing work, kids, school, sports, lessons, meals, bedtimes, bills, housekeeping and taxiing all by myself is...well, sometimes it can be a real drag. Physical tiredness is one thing, but perhaps the thing that is most daunting is mental and emotional challenges of trying to meet the needs of four unique people and all at the same time. All while staying positive and not grumpy. (At which I fall miserably short!)
I now see why elderly ladies who live alone can worry themselves into a tizzy. With no one to bounce off one's thoughts and sort through one's day, it is easy for one's mind to run away from them, taking with it the ability to reason and keep a clear, level-headed perspective.
When my own lonely mind races, I mostly pray and practically beg God for wisdom and clarity on what to do next. The truth is, sometimes I feel like God is my best friend (because He's always there) and my worst enemy (for letting this happen to our family) all at the same time.
But really, I know in my heart He is so much bigger than all of this and He has it all under control even if it pisses me off. I suppose He knew I would have this reaction and ultimately allowed this challenge full well knowing it will give me a greater strength and knowledge of who He is. If there is one thing I know, He is real and present even when I don't want much to do with Him. And He loves me anyway. He's given me and my children our very breath and I am so very fickle.
You know what? The other thing I really miss is riding in the passenger seat of the car. What I wouldn't do to let someone drive me around for an hour or so while the sun hits my face. With the radio humming in the background, I would fall fast asleep. For that short time all would be right with the world, I am sure of it.
Ah well. I sat down to this space tonight planning to write more about my garden beds and this is what you get. I will be ready for another day tomorrow. I will remember as soon as I turn out the lights that His mercies are new each morning.