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April 2015

Starting Over

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Truth be told, when the bottom dropped out of our world last Spring, I didn't think it would be possible to ever blog again.  In fact, during the first few fuzzy days and weeks, I'm sure I forgot about this space entirely.  Minutes and hours ticked by, and food, occasional baths and sleep for my children were the only things that I had the strength left to do.

But here we are.  Here I am.  It has been ten months since we've moved back to Ohio and I became a single mama quite literally overnight.  Eight months since the kiddos started public school - the first time ever for my oldest girls. Five months since I started working full time, outside of the home, for the first time in 12 years.

It is hard to believe that less than a year ago we were living in New Hampshire as a two-parent family, homeschooling, and getting ready to move onto a working farm. The road we've traveled between then and now has been wild and vast and unknown, winding me around to the strange and terrifying new wilderness of single-parenthood.

Of course, there has been much adjusting and many blurted-out questions to God all while shaking my angry fist.  There has been loads of heartache and sadness for us all. 

But...with almost a year of this new life under our belts.....Spring is coming again. The days are longer and the weather is warmer.  One morning not long ago I woke up and noticed that we, as a family, have begun to share more smiles and less tears.  There is green under the brittle brown stubs of last year's hydrangea bush. And we have a beautiful, bright red cardinal that lives right outside of the kitchen window.

I can feel God's mighty hand at work even though I understand His ways less than I ever have.  

There are still sweet moments.  There is still laughter in this life.  There are still many reasons for me to return to this space.  I am not not sure how and when I'll manage maintaining a blog, and if my postings will be regular, or monthly, or even just a couple times a year.  I am nervous about putting myself "out there" again when I have worked so hard to maintain our privacy over this past year, and wonder if I really even want to dive back into this virtual diary at all.  

But I do know that I have pictures of my four beautiful children celebrating the warmth of the sun on their skin.  And I think I want to put them here, in this digital place that has become a special scrapbook for us and where our memories come alive through the words and photos that have woven together our days.

My hope is that one day, many years from now, my four loves will read these words to their own children and be reminded of just how much their mama loves them and how proud I am of each and every one of them.

These kiddos and me - we have weathered quite a storm together. But the rain doesn't last forever.  And I just know that we are going to be OK.